09/17/25 today i found the song that i choose to play as i was dying the last time i tried to kill myself 10 years ago: Thy Light - in my last mourning.
                  If i had died then, none of _that_ would've materialized, you know, and only God knows what is awaiting for me next. I know big things are coming, but
                  sometimes, i can't bear the pain. Specially now that i am sober. This is what i run from, the existential dread and profound sadness that lives within.
                  I don't know how much else i can hold, or if i even have it in me to stay longer, i feel my will is weakened. 
                 Regardless, what keeps me here is the sensation of unfinished business, projects that have not yet been completed, and others that i haven't even started
                 i don´t know how am i going to stay sober while all these toughts linger, 'm not going to give up just yet, but sobriety brings out all of the profound sadness
                 
                 
                 07/03/2026 I lost my day job, but i see that as a blessing in disguise, now i have all the time i want to use on my personal projects, 
                 so i went back and updated a few things on my website. I also formated my laptop and finally mounted arch on it. it took a full day 
                 of thinkering with the settings and configurations but i now feel at home. The interface is clean, minimalistic, and it just works. I 
                 am using a tiling window manager and the whole machine is just a superproductivity built. i even integrated a pomodoro clock onto my 
                 taskbar. anyway. even within darkness one can see the light and sorta find a way out. I have been extremely depressed the past days, 
                 struggling to get out of bed. whenever i feel like giving up i just go out into nature and temporarily, things seem fine. i am working 
                 alongside the tree's spirits and trying to embrace positive karma so my intentions can materialize in this plane. If i didn´t knew 
                 magic was real i would've given up already. 
                   And if you're reading this, go ahead and read liber null, it's a great starting point. 
                   you're halfway there already by being here. 
                   now go and take your attention towards more relevant matters than my sad ramblings. 
                   
                   07/24/2026 insomnia nights once again, spending them switching from my desktop pc to my laptop on my bed once y body aches for horizontality. i'm still looking for answers, workign hard to make my own personal projects come to life, Today i finihsed the cortex page, there you can test my development projects, soundreactive, the game city of anger, and now coming soon, videoreactive. i spent a good hour and a half writing the readme for the projects, making them nice and pretty, the sort of thing that doesn´t matter and only i care about.
                  Its 2 am, but my brain keeps firing non stop, i finally pulled the trigger and bought a domain, sisas.vip, got it all set up on the DNS side and altough im proud there's still so much left to do. i keep on drafting eternal to do lists on my anytype notes.